Some of You Aren't Lonely Because You're Healing.

You tell yourself, "Maybe I've just outgrown this friend group," as you leave the monthly dinner gathering (still dissociated) feeling unseen even though you just spent three hours in community.

Because if we're honest...

A lot of the time you're not bringing yourself into the room.You're bringing the version of you that feels easiest to accept.

The version they've always known (aka the "old" you)

Not the version you've worked so hard to become (aka the REAL you)

And so you leave feeling lonely.

Not because nobody gets you.Not because you've "outgrown" them.

But because they spent the whole night connecting with a past version of you who doesn't feel like you anymore.

And I have mfkin been there.

Which is why I know how hard it is to navigate this space. ESPECIALLY with people who've known you in specific roles the longest.

And it's also why I can sit here and say:

Belonging isn't something you achieve by being the version of you that you think will be accepted.

And it isn't achieved by abandoning ship on old relationships because they don't immediately see you.

Belonging happens when you're accepted for the version of you that you really are.

And that's exactly why it feels so much riskier.

Because there is the chance people won't get it.

Those relationships you've had for years may change.

And to someone who's always wanted to belong?

That thought feels terrifying.

But do you know what's more terrifying?

Having relationships with your friends that feel fake because you never gave them the chance to know the real you.

From where I'm sitting, you owe it to yourself, and the people who matter in your life, a chance to get to know the real you.

And you might be beautifully surprised when those relationships become deeper and more meaningful than ever before because you're no longer asking people to connect with a version of you that doesn't exist anymore.

Maybe your loneliness isn't asking for more connection.

Maybe it's asking for more TRUTH.

Because the version of you you've worked so hard to uncover deserves to be known.

Not just by you.

But by the people you love, too.

What If The Problem Isn't That You Need More Healing?

Here's the part I wish someone had told me sooner.

A lot of you are reading this and thinking:

"Okay, but if I still can't be myself around people, doesn't that just mean I have more healing to do? That theres still not enough safety to be who I am?"

Maybe....

But not necessarily.

Because there comes a point where the problem isn't that you havent addressed the root cause of why you feel a literal lump in your throat when you go to say something controversial. 

It's that you don't trust yourself enough to bring that version of you into your actual life.

And honestly? It makes total sense.

Why It's Easier To Be Yourself In Therapy Than In Real Life

Therapy is safe.

Your journal is safe.

Your breathwork practice is safe.

Your somatic work is safe.

The four walls of your therapist's office are safe.

The conversation in your head where you finally admit what you want is safe.

Life is not.

Life is where people have opinions.

Its where your family notices you've changed.

Life is where your friend looks at you sideways when you start speaking differently or sharing something new.

Its where people don’t give a fuck about your boundary. and quite honestly, dont even understand boundaries!

And for the parts of you whose entire job has been to keep you safe?

That feels DANGEROUS. 

So instead of expressing ourselves, we convince ourselves we're not ready.

We tell ourselves we need another book.

Another breakthrough.

Another breathwork session.

Another certification.

Another round of healing.

Another year.

Another sign….

When actually, the healed version of you has been standing at the edge of the diving board for months (maybe years).

WAITING for all of your internal parts to agree that it's safe to jump.

Why Knowing Yourself Isn't The Same As Being Yourself

And that's exactly why my work looks different than traditional healing work.

Because I'm less interested in helping you uncover who you are.

And more interested in helping you ACTUALLY live as the person you already know you are. All of you. 

Because most people in this therapized day and age we live in don't have a self-awareness problem.

They have an embodiment problem.

They know what they want.

They know who tf they are.

They just don't yet feel safe enough to live it yet. 

The Missing Piece & My Favorite Integration Tool: Parts Work

A huge piece of my work comes through parts work.

Because there are usually multiple versions of you pulling you in different directions.

One part wants to be seen! Theyre so ready to dive in!

Another part wants to stay safe. They value having a solid group of friends or safety within the family and expression does NOT matter to them. 

One part wants deeper relationships.

Another part is terrified of rejection.

One part wants to speak up!! Be a bitch!!

Another part remembers exactly what happened the last time you ‘put someone in place’

And when those parts aren't communicating, life feels like driving with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake.

The goal isn't to get rid of those protective parts.

The goal is to get them on the same team.

Because when your protective parts feel heard instead of overridden, they stop fighting so hard to keep you hidden.

And suddenly being yourself doesn't feel nearly as dangerous.

It just feels honest.

So, now what?

Three Ways To Start Feeling Safer Being Yourself

If you're reading this and realizing this is exactly where you're stuck, here are three great places to start.

1. Take One Healthy Risk This Week

Not a life-altering risk.

A truth-telling one.

Share an opinion you usually keep to yourself.

Wear the thing you normally talk yourself out of wearing.

Tell someone what you actually want instead of what feels easiest to say (again, not a life-altering thing, but a real thing)

2. Get Curious About The Resistance

The next time you stop yourself from being fully expressed, ask:

"What part of me is afraid right now?"

Then ask:

"What is this part trying to protect me from?"

Don't judge the answer.

Don't try to fix it.

Just

listen.

3. Collect Evidence That It's Safe

Every time you show up more authentically and the world doesn't end, write it down.

Because your nervous system learns safety through evidence, not affirmations.

And eventually those tiny moments begin teaching your system that authenticity is not the threat it once believed it was.

Maybe ‘Belonging’ Was Never The Goal

Because at the end of the day, belonging was never supposed to come from becoming more acceptable.

It comes from becoming feeling seen and loved in your vulnerability & authenticity.

It comes from being actually visible.

The version of you you've worked so hard to uncover didn't come this far just to stay hidden.

If this SCREAMS you, send me a message through my website and ask whether I'm currently accepting discovery calls for 1:1 work.

I’d love to support you in EMBODYING who you've become so you can get back to living your life- the whole reason why you started your healing journey in the first place, remember? 

You don't need another decade of healing and waiting to feel ready.

Because safety in life is not created in the same environment you went for your healing.

You need a way to create REAL safety, self trust, and confidence to be seen and exist in your life.

And that starts by getting every part of you on the same page that the life you've worked so hard to create, is finally safe enough to live.